finale

just watched the final episode of Scrubs* and I am crying my eyes out. It was beautiful. And really nicely done. And pretty funny, in a meaningful way.

You know what sucks though? It was all about change.
Things change all over the place. Just when you are almost comfortable with a change, another one comes and smacks you in the face.

I hate change. Always have. (Well, at least since I was 12.)

It is so...change-y. There are never the right words to say. Never enough things that you can do. It just comes in like a bulldozer and leaves you picking up the pieces. Or desperately clutching at things that are gone. And living in the past. Remembering, wishing, regretting. Trying to bring the past back.

I live in the past a lot. It's bad. I know this.


There have been some big changes in my life recently. It has been really hard. And yes, I know "change is good because it brings new good things etc etc". But it hurts. It aches deep down in that space where you know you can never quite be whole, where you can't love enough or be close enough.

Change is usually okay when it is on my terms though. Because it was my idea. I am like a cat.

And I was going to finish this post on an up, but I can't think of one. Change sucks. It has to happen. I'm not too good at dealing with it and there's nothing I can do about it, except trust. I'm kinda hoping that God lays off on the change for a bit though, cos I'm already feeling pretty bulldozed.







*I won't spoil it for you but i will say this: he gets that hug! (and yes, I am aware that they are going to make more. Which, after seeing that last episode, seems very wrong.)