my soapbox

fat is a scary thing for me. in fact i don’t really like to say the word out loud; kind of like how everyone calls voldemort “you know who” “he who must not be named” “the dark lord” etc. when i or someone else says the f-word i cringe inside. it is funny because by refusing to say the word out loud i am giving it more power. more power to make me cringe, more power to make me have to live in secrecy and fear and self-doubt. but in realising this, i still don’t want to talk about it. i shudder at the thought of people reading this post and bringing it up in real life. in a way, i am quite happy to let it have it’s power as long as i can hide from it.

sometimes i get angry at our culture for helping to make a little word so horrible. we have created ‘imaginary fat people’, the idea that to be f*t IS someone’s personality. ie, it means you are socially awkward, icky, boring, annoying, always eating, vulger, etc…. and to be thin means you get to have your own personality! if you are f*t, that is who you are: f*t. you do not get to have a personality. you are nothing.

this idea has shaped my opinion of myself since… well, forever… it helps me to understand things though. it only applies to me because i love other people for who they are – but since i don’t know how others perceive me, i have to be perfect in ways i can control… (ah yes, good ol’ control….) my obsession with being thin is not with the physical state itself, but the idea of being the opposite of the “fat person” character – clean, not annoying, not boring, in control…

LIES!! well, obviously. your personality does not change depending on how many of a certain type of cell you have around your skeleton. a body that you will only live in for a tiny proportion of your eternal life. the one time i got to a point where i considered myself to be thin, i was anything but in-control or fun to be around. i hated being around people, i was too caught up in rituals and counting to have much mind space for anything else, and no energy to have any sort of life beyond sleeping and sitting. thin does not equal perfect. thin does not equal happy. thin does not equal innocent.

of course, knowing these things does not change the way i see myself. my happiness still depends on the number that flashes on the scales in the morning. i still assume i am huge and make allowances for it. i still see myself as a f*t person. with all the characteristics. yes, i am stupid and gross and always eating. that is me.

somewhere along the way my opinion of myself got twisted. it comes from listening to the nasty voice of someone that hates me. it comes from believing the lies of someone who wants to separate me from God’s love.

the voice keeps whispering almost always, but i don’t have to listen to it. i can try to recognise it for what it is and not let it hurt me. and i can listen better to another voice, the voice of someone who loves me inside out and knows what is truely important. and i can acknowledge the power that certain words and ideas have over me and start challenging them. lies will not stand up in the long run.
yea. truth and love kick lies’ arse!!!